


freedom was a lie but now i've got you

by blueeeee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Coda, Dean winchester is Bi, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Gen, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Post-Season/Series 15, Suicide mention, and i swear like a sailor so-, and i will die on this goddamn hill, anyway-, as always that is sarcastic, cas kisses deans eyelids and its cute, dean needs some fucking therapy lmao, deans a potty mouth we all know it, fuck wait, i think thats all ok bye enjoy my shitshow, i told myself i was done w this fandom but apparently that was a fucking lie, it's just a line but be safe yall, its fucking soft, ive gone back to my roots, johns a dick, just let my boys be happy istg, long ass monologues, my boys are in heaven and they are happy, rating because of language, suicide TW, that ending made me so goddamn mad so here have this, the first fanfic i ever wrote was destiel and ill never be posting it ever, uuuuuuuhhhhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27662048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueeeee/pseuds/blueeeee
Summary: and things are good, now. they’ve got a house, jack visits when he can, eileen joins them for dinner sometimes, and sam will be along soon.they’ve got twelve years to make up for, and they’ve got an eternity to do it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 41





	freedom was a lie but now i've got you

**Author's Note:**

> that ending was plain old fuckery so take this shit, ig.
> 
> (oh btw the title is modified from a poem i wrote, which is kinda cocky, but it works so idc)

in the end, jack still leaves, with a promise of not-forever. dean goes to say something and-

**_i’ll try, dean._ **

it’s not enough, not  _ nearly, _ but goddammit it's all he’s got, so he’ll take it.

\--

sam moves in with eileen and it’s- it’s fine, really. he knows, somewhere, that their codependency thing is not healthy, not really, but it still hurts.

it's better than them living in the bunker because dean doesn't think he’d be able to take that. his heart aches enough.

\--

dean had been shocked, too scared, too hung up on the fact that cas was dying,  _ again _ , to properly process anything, much less formulate a response. he wishes he had a chance to say something,  _ anything _ . 

but unfortunately, he can't go back, so he sits, so he drinks, and he prays. ~~ (again) ~~

**_hey cas. it’s me. obviously, heh._ **

**_i’ve never been good at this feelings shit, that i think you know, but- god, cas. i miss you. so much._ **

**_every little thing reminds me of you, what we could've had, were we not such pining dumbasses._ **

**_the couples at the grocery store, playfully arguing over what kind of apples they want, some parents taking their kid to get a hair cut, even the fucking bees floating around._ **

**_i’m a mess, cas. always have been. but now it's- and i just-_ **

**_please come home. i miss you. i- i love you. i should've said it. please be here._ **

dean opens his eyes and- nothing.

bottoms up.

\--

in the end, dean still dies early. maybe it was a hunt. he got a little careless, a little reckless. maybe he drinks too much, or the loneliness gets him, and there's no sam here to hide his guns.

regardless of the reason, he dies, and ends up in heaven. like he should.

bobby is still there, with a-

**_cas helped._ **

and dean- breaks.

**_he’s here? for real?_ **

a smile, then.

**_he’ll be around._ **

\--

dean gets in his car, his baby, and drives. just for a while, until he finds a barn. 

it's still standing, miraculously. **_of course it is, this is heaven._** a part of him thinks. dean ignores it, and sinks in the memories.

it had been so long ago. god, what? twelve years? practically a lifetime.

dean thinks, maybe, he loved cas even then. though at that point it had been more superficial, a one night stand, a sort of  _ fuck you _ to an absent god. a  _ look at me, i’ve desecrated an angel. are you going to look now? pay attention to me! _

dean had always been fucked up. 

he didn't quite know when it turned into love. it had been a slow thing, he thinks.

not the fast, lightning quick thoughts and adrenaline that goes into a fight, into a hunt, but a slow morning. jack putting whipped cream onto his pancakes while he and cas bantered in the kitchen, sam playfully shaking his head and calling them children. he and cas drinking whiskey in front of a game with dean explaining the rules, him and cas on a hunt, him and cas him and cas him and cas.

dean may have taught cas how to love, and that's no small thing, but cas taught dean how to let himself be loved, how to take things slow, and a million little nothings that add up to his soul.

dean's standing in the barn and he wishes and he prays and-

**_hello, dean._ **

dean whips around, and- he freezes, he’s crying, trying to hold in everything he’s felt over the past month, hell, let's be honest, the last 12 years, with a hand over his mouth. a broken  **_cas_ ** slips through his fingers, and he’s crying, and cas does his head tilt thing, and  _ god _ -

dean loves him.

suddenly, they’re hugging, holding on like their lives depend on it, and he’s crying, and he's crying, and he’s crying. 

they’re both crying. it's a mess.

dean pulls back, holds cas at arm’s length even though it's killing him.

**_don’t you ever do that again you asshole! i missed you so much and i-_ **

**_you don't have to say anything, dean._ **

**_no, cas, let me get this out. you need to hear this._ **

and so cas waits. like he always does.

and dean can't bear to see his face, so he grabs cas’s hand and fiddles with his fingers.

**_i’m messed up cas, you know that, i know that, hell, the devil himself knows it._ **

**_i didn't know how to let myself be loved before you, cas._ **

**_before you i- the only one i didn't run away from was sam, and even then i was such an asshole to him, he never knew, i didn't even tell him, even after charlie. my dad,_ ** **god** **_, my_ ** **fucking** **_dad, he- he treated people like you, like us-_ **

**_he treated them awful, cas, and that messed me up so i pushed you away and-_ **

**_and when you left, down in the bunker, when you were taken, i was left there with the handprint and the weight of that confession- i’ve never been more broken._ **

dean looked up at cas, at the soulful blue eyes that held so many emotions dean didn't even know how to start identifying them.

**_i love you, cas. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. so much. more than you could ever know. you can have it, this whole time you could've had it._ **

cas took back his hand and cradled dean’s face, as if he were fragile, as if he would break with one wrong move. which, to be fair, given his current condition, he probably would, and he kissed him. it was a featherlight thing. right upon his closed eyelids.

**_i love you too, dean._ **

**Author's Note:**

> soooo whatever i said about never touching this fandom again, that was a lie. 
> 
> just- imagine dean interspersing his speech with gentle kisses to cas's palm and fingertips, and life will be good.


End file.
